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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2009.06.02  23.52
tell me what they are looking for

betty crocker

I'm all about my dick, I'm trying to marry Betty Crocker

Mood: rap about me

  2009.05.21  00.53

....I'm back!

Mood: fwipped

  2007.07.12  08.16

Lawn costume! Stinky carrots all over SanDiego's farm country! Why don't you tape some butter knives into the dryer?? For real.....Carl Winslo. Don't funch about a pair of panties in your lunch! Good samwich. Na na. Na na. Ink is on my pancake!!

Mood: anxious

  2007.07.11  22.05

its been ages....lets get back to the basics:

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  2007.04.16  09.03

so, there's been a lot of sauce in my pants. when i drink coffee, i turn into a werewolf. all that fur and claws really makes it hard to type. you know, there's werewolf business. some girl named autumn/margaret started a death metal band after my condition. what a gal. lycanthropy, nature's bitch mistress.

great news! charice/clarice/cunkle is coming to new york for a visit. i've placed special little bags all over the house filled with pizza dough in memory of a certain uncle tammy. he hasn't been around in ages. he's been on a world tour. you know, modeling. he's always into something.

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  2007.02.11  20.47

Betta believe dat. A what it is yo, a what's up? Can a nigga just bust a nut? I found a dryer sheet today while I was folding laundry and I decided to bring it with me to the grocery store. I pretended that it was my shopping list, and that there was at least 22 things that I needed to buy written all over it. So, I got a little frusterated and whipped the dryer sheet on the ground and scolded it! "Fuck you dryer sheet," I said. "I don't have enough money to buy all this junk!" By that time the store manager came over and asked me if I was okay. I told her that I had lost my boston terrier earlier that day and that I was a little on edge about it. She asked me if I would like a complimentary box of generic tampons to maybe make me feel better. After she offered me that I just picked up dryer sheet and started whispering to it and giggling. She asked me what I was doing. I told her that whispering calms my soul. I told her that maybe she should whisper more often. Then I told her to fuck those tampons. I skipped out of the store and into the parking lot. I gave dryer sheet a big hug while I was skipping, and didn't realize that a parked Chevy Silverado was coming up on me really fast. I stubbed my shin on it really bad and fell over. I rolled around on the ground for about 6 minutes. Some guy comes up to me and asked me if I was okay. I said, "FORGET YOU EVER SAW ME HERE" and got up and limped to my car. While I was limping to my car I realized that dryer sheet smelled really damn good. I whispered to dryer sheet and asked him if he would like to join me for a cup of tea. I assumed that he said yeah. We ended up going back to my place just to have sex.

Mood: horny

  2007.02.09  23.32
frankly my loaf of bread, i dont give a damn

by the way, i gave texas a call tonight. it was warm and fuzzy. we talked about what its like when you take a few bags of doritoes, and what you do is, you sit down firmly on them and it makes the bag open. but then you just keep standing up repeatedly and then sitting back down on the bag, so that the chips inside get crumbled up really good and all. then what you do is, you take off everything but your socks and you pour them over your head like you are in a dorito shower. its pretty cool. anyway, then we got to talking about that time that ol' tiffany came over with that satchel on.. you remember that?...oh texas had a good laugh over it. tiffany was all wearing a bathing suit and she kept saying how she had just got a new satchel. well that dumb bitch, that satchel was no over the shoulder bag, it was a god damn toaster oven! she had a toaster oven slinged over her shoulder by the power cord! what a ditz if i ever saw one. gee whiz! so then, to round out the conversation ol' texas decided to bring up some politics. and by politics, i mean the whole shoehorn business. texas be saying that if you get in a room that is just the right temperature and you hold a new shoehorn in your left hand, that the sun and the moon come out and together at the same time and all of your socks turn into ricotta cheese. well this is where the politics come in. i got all philosophical too. i mean, clearly if the sun and the moon ever did come together, they would think of something a little more original than ricotta cheese. so i talked about how the sun and the moon are kinda like that wise old prophet, Kid Rock. I argued that if and when the sun and moon do come together, there would be new magic audiowaves in the air that allowed every living creature on the planet to hear "baw with da baw di bang dee bang diggy diggy, diggy said the boogy and up jump the boogy" in a universal language. it would be fucking beautiful. and yep, that's what happened with me and that saucy texas. just thought you should know.

Mood: slightly fetusesque

  2007.01.29  22.30
Salad and gold!

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Mood: ditzy

  2007.01.26  15.24

how i've been feeling about THINGS:

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  2007.01.13  15.01
Bumple Kilskin

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I'm not in Alaska. A lake has plants in the bottom of it! How do you get hot cake out of the pan without ruining any of it?

Mood: anxious

  2007.01.05  12.04
Gladiator duct!

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There isnt enough! Well I remember when Thomas was a choo choo. Glank frost bite. From now on I am going to biuld a dolphon! Read a book about how to break your washing machine! Talk auction!

Mood: Pultzer

  2007.01.05  11.35
cointal posting

on a thoirsday afternoon, my broom came in my room and said get the fuck up off the treadmill, and get a goddamn cob.. and i said hey, hey fuck you broom and i threw my wasabi mayonnaise at its faced, but i missed and hit it in the dustpan.

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" hey its just me, charlie...charlie bucket! What? You don't know who I am? Let me give you a refresher."

***Beeeecause, I've got the golden ticket, I've got the golden ticket, I've got the golden ticket because I'm a poor son of a bitch.***


  2007.01.02  20.10
I've always had a crush on Radonk!

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df-6 ninety two?

Mood: beaver

  2007.01.01  22.44

I'm constantly wondering about the really important things in life. Like, what's more tasty? a hamburger or a fajita? Or, where have all the cowboys gone? Or, today will I wear a tampon or a maxi pad? OR BOTH? All of these things lead me up to past relationships. Like the time I dated that guy who didn't give me the choice of a hamburger or a fajita, but rather a hamburger or a spanokapita??? Or like the time I dated that guy who had a Paula Cole shirt. I really got to thinking, and I was never honest with these guys, so now I'm going to be totally honest with the STONE COLD FOX THAT I AM IN LOVE WITH:

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Mood: harpoon/leaky

  2007.01.01  16.14

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Mood: Drapes

  2007.01.01  16.01
Foif! Snappy Snew Syear!

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Mood: shocked

  2006.12.30  22.03
Fruity faced Jackie!

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Mood: giggly

  2006.12.27  19.36
Siberian Huskies

So today was a little crazy. I decided it would be a good idea to fill my tummy with as much baked ham as possible. But that isn't why the day was crazy. I keep thinking I'm falling onto a 9-stroke dirtbike engine that is super piping hot temperature wise, ya know like it has been running 64.8 miles an hour for at least a good 42 minutes. That's not touchable at all if you think about it! Anyways why is my mind clogged? Well I think it might have something to do with making a decision about eating wolf flank. I like to fry it up with butter and a huge chunk of ice. I like to fry it up while I'm dressed as an antique. I like to pretend I'm on the Antique's Road Show and that I'm worth a good $375.91 but sell for $642.04. Maybe my mind is clogged because I have found a librarian. I go pee when she goes pee. I feel like it's an endless journey to find a rooftop that actually doesn't have some sort of bite markings on it. I think I'm at the edge now but I could be named Sandy. I think I'm standing on Arthur's life-like pop tart box, oh gaawwd I hate that thing! So what do I want? I guess what I want is to be near Gerry and Uncle Tammy again. It will happen. I'm going to use as many Chinese Water buckets as I can while I'm in San Antonio though. Ever feel like a tuba horn instrument? If not you better start!! You better start using a bag of marshmellows as a step ladder!!! Gerry makes the best darn squash turnovers. Uncle Tammy hasn't stopped by in weeks here. He is too busy buying a lion. Tih. Lions are only good for making Happy birthday banners and paying lot rent. Uncle Tammy doesn't pay rent! He only spends money to buy a gay deck of cards at the store every stupid Turdsday. What an idiot! If I was him I might consider shaking a half empty pepsi bottle filled with cheese fibers until it exploded. Pasta sounds really naughty right now. You know what else? Puffy nose cranks! That's what I should be rolling around in right now. My pants. #$% a foot arch. Knock knock! I'm so confused about how many miles there are in Georgia. You could tell me at least 6 times about a coy fish tank. Seems like Georgia would have a killer pregnant mom program available. Maybe my mind has been whipping through the air like a harpoon lately. I use wax to clean my face in the morning. I'm going to clean Gerry's legs with a double-decker hard taco when she visits. Don't tell! Don't become someone who wants to be called by their initials. Initials won't make the bank any closer! See how crazy my day was today? All of this random bongo drum music playing. I'm going to walk on a piece of lint. Bonor malfunction .46w? In a couple minutes I'll have toothpaste all over the garden hose again. Remember that song by Tyrese? Run outside and scream as loud as you can about how your vocals cords are hurting you. I just did!!!! *&& Wolf flank with cold tin foil. ,mnxcfhg,wjy7io45v <----Brenda likes/washes. You can start touching and mastering a baboon treat.

Mood: bleached yankee

  2006.12.26  19.46
Well, it's almost a new year! River.

This year I've learned that they don't really sell too many toys at The Bon Ton. If I keep walking around acting like I'm strumming on a guitar, people will start to recognize that I don't like hunting dogs. Not goood! We normally will put crowns on every pile of dirty clothes that we can find... conk there is a blowtorch! Put the emergency break on and drive your car around. Take your time with finding a new hog barn cloth. A good cloth will eventually smack you in the face really hard and leave a few welt marks....and it will be sooooaaked! Life can be like a white snow gnome that is knocked over on Uncle Tammy's newly built doll house. I mean porch. Remember that you probly won't find a baby sasquatch right away, they are too formal. But do talk about a Harley Davison with the next Scott Piatt lookalike you see! No, Justin Davison loves microscopes and the first Beastie Boys album.
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Mood: touched

  2006.12.20  20.55

i've got BILK in hiiiiigh places:

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  2006.12.16  14.45
salad fork binder sale

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hungarian telescope studies report that filtered bean byproducts support snugs FUCKING princess.

- i despise bedpans
- i despise windex chores
- i despise permanent pressed children

Mood: scooz

  2006.11.10  20.59
Black legs and a dinosaur!

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Elevator, ask the artickoke!

Mood: chipper

  2006.10.19  19.40


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Mood: moustacheee

  2006.09.26  00.42
underage panther research

hey guys,
remember when i became an underage panther research analyst? yah, that was a big time in my life.
well, my studies have allowed me to branch out into several fields.
i was in minnesota today and i found this:

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amazing right?
not only are there seahawks..but now there are beehawks..in our very own minnesota state.

that makes me sneeze

hey ooo wyah, nee no niiina, frlee chi now now.
translation: i have a mop bucket!

Mood: CH!!

  2006.09.25  22.50
Caught Me Hand in the baked beans again! Piss on it!

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Almost red! Lets see what a PJ party does for our toes! Count to 678 nine times! (split the kitchen counter in two)!! Kelch.

Mood: content

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